its over and done. i am married. now im buried underneath the weight of all the paper that i will need to fill out and present, offering my relationship up for scrutiny, making another set of legal promises that i do, actually, want to share my future with p. hes been gone one week today, but its funny how time passes. it feels like he was never here. his small collection of things that bespoke of his presence has gone with him, leaving empty horizontal surfaces to be filled up with detritus from other people, erasing him from this house. this past tuesday the last pyramid beer bottles got taken out and recycled. the little thinkpad in the corner is somebody else's. his hairs and scent have been washed out of my linens. and it feels like i havent seen him in months, again. its not making me sad, though. just restless. ill be joining him soon, but i dont know when. this uncertainty is making home not feel like home all while i long for a home, a permanent resting place where i can buy that new teapot or vase if i like, knowing i wont have to carry it 5000 miles away with me soon. i want to make a place my own and...be settled.

god i cant believe i said that.